How to Un-shame your home

I have a question I'd love you to answer in the comments: what do you love about your home? —As it is right in this moment?

Are you struggling to think of one?

So often we focus on the things about our home that are wrong or messy or "less than" when compared to someone else. I often see posts that make cleaning and organizing sound like the easiest thing in the world. Years ago, seeing those posts used to make me wonder what was so wrong with me that I was struggling. Why wasn’t I perfect like them?

I’d bet I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way. An insensitive comment here, a “helpful” suggestion there, and blammo- we feel a heavy dose of shame over the ordinary human imperfections in our homes.

But did you know that we can begin to train our brains to change the way we receive this and learn to see our homes through the lens of gratitude? I don't know about you, but if I'm going to live in an imperfect home (which, spoiler alert: we all will), I'd rather love it than hate it.

So let’s talk about shame.

On a physical level, shame is just your amygdala freaking the f out. On an emotional level, it’s the deep, primal fear that something in us is broken and if anyone ever found out we’d be abandoned. So… it’s not great.

The only way I was able to move past the imperfections in my home was by becoming unshameable.

On a recent episode of the Bewildered podcast (which I highly recommend), Ro & Marty explained how to unshame yourself. You can take the power away from the one(s) shaming you -even if it’s just a proverbial cultural ideal- by making the courageous decision not to abandon yourself. 

So, the next time you feel ashamed of the state of your home, take a deep breath and ask yourself if this thing that’s “wrong” in your home goes against your values or someone else’s? 

If you don’t mind a dirty sink but can’t stand the sight of clutter, then the next time you feel the shame creeping up because of a comment about your dirty dishes, choose to abandon that cultural value. 

Are you SURE a dirty sink means you’re a bad homemaker/human/etc? Are you absolutely sure? No, of course not. That’s ridiculous! Every single person who has both dishes and a sink has let it get dirty at some point or another. And none of us are “bad.”

What a dirty sink really means is that you have a dirty sink. That’s it. Take the morality factor out of it and your amygdala will begin to unclench and heal the grip shame has on you. 

It’s not an overnight process by any means, but the beginning of unshaming yourself is learning the difference between what is important to you vs. what someone else has told you is important. Despite what social media may lead you to believe, no one is prioritizing everything. Pick your personal priorities and shrug off the rest. It takes practice, but the more you do it the easier it becomes.

So let’s circle back: what do you love about your home? Were you able to think of an answer? Share it in the comments below!